Frustrated today. Beyond scatter brained, though that’s like any other day for me. I happen to run best on organized chaos. Yes, I know that doesn’t make much sense but it does for me. Today is just plain chaos and from it I need organization to function. I’m trying hard to find the end of the string to unravel this mess. Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened yet so as usual I took to writing for organizing my thoughts and tea for peace and calm.
I’m beginning to have one of those days where I question every decision I’ve ever made. I am fixated on fork in the road scenario. I can’t change any decisions but I obsess over what the outcome could have been if I had taken the path not traveled. I realize I am playing with fire as there is nothing I can imagine that will give me the true outcome. Chances are equal the choices I have made were right to begin with. Most of the time I don’t look back. Perfect example would be that horrid Milk Oolong I sampled a couple of months ago. Wish I would have known how terrible it would have been. Though had I even known in advance I would have still tried it out of sheer curiosity. Many taste buds sacrificed themselves to satisfy my curiosity that day. It only proves that even knowing the outcome doesn’t always mean you will avoid or go towards a certain decision.
As many of you know, I started and kept this blog to help keep a chronological record of my journey through tea and how it influences and impacts my life. Beyond that it is flourished into some much more. Still at the base it has always been about the tea, it is what I always come back to.
It’s is astonishing how much some simple leaves and a cup of hot water can make a difference. Tea can soothe you when you’re sick. Calm you when you’re anxious. Encourage conversation with friends and family. Tea can help you focus your thoughts by making you slow down. Tea is truly magical. Tea holds a great welcomed power over me. Today I need my cup the most.
Today I need my cup of tea to remind me that people sometimes say what they don’t mean. Slowing down helps me to remember that not everyone is capable of accepting fault and will always challenge you because they can’t stand to be wrong. If I’m wrong I will admit it, or so I try. It wasn’t always that way but I discovered along the way that I should try not to let my ego get in the way. I choose a path of honesty, truth, and self-reflection even if that meant I was wrong. Over the years it has gotten easier. However, I am still learning. I am learning that even though I am evolving and working to be a better person doesn’t mean everyone else around me is on the same journey as me. I have to learn to live with and understand that some people are satisfied with the way they choose to live. The only person I can control is me. I learn everyday that I can’t make anyone do what they don’t want to do. What I can do is offer guidance if they truly want it. If in the end they no longer fit in my life it is up to me to make the decision to accept them the way they are or move on and never look back. I can’t force them to change for me and I shouldn’t want that. That doesn’t mean I don’t share my feelings. After a while if talking doesn’t make a difference it may be time to move on. Like my path in life, so has my preferences in tea have changed. Maybe once I was happy with that bag of Lipton Tea and that may have been the start to the beautiful journey of exploring tea. However, as my tea choices may have changed so have my relationships with certain people and things.
I think I have grown. I think the problem isn’t everyone else. The problem is me. I’m different. I’m not a Lipton Tea drinker anymore. Heck I’m not much of a flavored loose leaf tea drinker anymore.
Change is hard and admitting it even harder. I admit that I have grown tired of my place in the world. I love being a mother and wife. What I have grown tired of is the lack of appreciation. Stay at home parents tackle everything. We are the superheroes of the household. At the same time least appreciated and undervalued. Living in a society obsessed with putting a dollar figure on success has made it difficult for the unsung heroes to get the same respect as those earning a paycheck. It rarely dawns on those that haven’t experienced the life of a stay at home parent that they have chosen to sacrifice the entire adult lives for their family. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone. However, I can say for a fact that when I was a child I never said I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I said doctor, lawyer, astronaut, scientist, rock star, and actress. My mom was a stay at home with with a degree in law, she never practiced. I understand that was the path she planned to follow but one day she had kids and like her I looked into the faces of my children and decided I would do everything I could to give them a the life I never had. I put my desires on the shelf for my kids. I don’t regret it. However, I still want people to understand this was a personal sacrifice I made. A sacrifice many couldn’t make. When I put all of my effort into this job I don’t get much appreciation. I don’t get awards, merit increases, promotions, bonuses, or even the occasional pat on the back. I don’t necessarily need any one those things but what I do need is respect and to be treated equally to be pay checking earning parents.
After moving away all the scattered pieces of decision and indecision it comes down to one simple thing. I must accept the things I cannot change. I know people won’t agree with my post and that is to be expected. It is totally fine. I welcome all of your comments. However, before you decide to hit me with your best shot. Grab a cup of tea and remember this post isn’t meant to be a generalization of those in the same situation as me but rather exclusive to my life and experiences. Can I suggest a puerh with layers of personality? Today is a good day to experience the various nuances of puerh steep after steep. I know I feel like puerh today. I feel different with every steep but in the end I am still the same.